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Thursday, November 18, 2004

Libel vs. Malice

Here's another article that got rejected from the provonian.

Provo High Budget: Hero or Menace?

As I was reaching for the last math book on the shelf, another hand grabbed the same book. That hand turned out to belong to Eric Petersen (or erp, as he prefers to be called). As I rained blows upon him, I began to contemplate how we had gotten in this situation in the first place. I then came to the conclusion that that blame should be placed squarely on the administration and their mishandling of the school budget.
However, the math department is not alone in this lack of budget. Recently, the tetherballs we have come to love have been replaced with cinder blocks due to the cost of tetherball maintenance being too high. In addition to this, it has been rumored that plans to demolish our beloved auditorium to make way for a mini-mall are in progress at this very moment.
“I’m sick of sharing books with Polacks,” said local coot Wells Magleby.
Aren’t we all sick of sharing books with Polacks? Indeed we are. I’m sorry to say that this is not the end of the devastation caused by an inadequate budget. The next atrocity I will mention is the closed campus rule. The administration has enforced this rule claiming that it is for the safety and well-being of the students. I have one question for them. Since when does the school care about students?
Now I’ll tell you the real reason for the closed campus rule. You see, when students are forced to eat at the school, those profits go directly to the principal. Actually the profits don’t go directly to the principal, but I’m pretty sure it ends up in his pocket in the end. Don’t be fooled by the bad haircut, the principal is exceedingly wealthy.
When asked about the closed campus rule, Trevor Richardson commented, “You know, the Nazis wouldn’t let the Jews leave campus during lunch.”
The principal also finds time each lunch period to go out and siphon gas out of your gas tanks. Most people blame the increasing amount of money we spend on gas on the Middle East. I blame it on Sam Ray. Mr. Ray may try to deny that this action ever takes place. If he ever tries this on you, just wave a match near his gasoline soaked mouth and I guarantee you he will run in terror. There are countless other ways the administration screws the students of Provo High, but I choose not get into them at this time. Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
Where has all the budget gone you ask. Several credible theories exist at this time. First of which is that Sam Ray lost the majority of the budget when he bet it all against the Harlem Globetrotters.
“I guess he just thought the Washington Generals were due,” commented Daylen Richardson when he was told about this theory.
When asked if this allegation was true, Sam Ray said, “Cocaine is a hell of a drug.”
Another theory that has come to my attention is that the school is still paying off debts they owe to the kid who broke his leg when the D-Wing collapsed for the second time. However, I doubt this could be responsible for all of Provo High’s budget problems because no student can sue the school for D-Wing related accidents (See fine print of the waiver every student signs). Those two theories seem to be supported the most so I find it of no use to mention any of the other theories. So is the Provo High budget solely controlled by the administration, which has no purpose but to keep the children of America poor and ignorant. This reporter says yes.

1 comment:

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Zero comments whaat a loser! Oh... wait... dang it!