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Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Real Thanksgiving?

The Stereotypical Thanksgiving: An Exhaustively Researched Skit

Cast of Characters
Narrator: no costume needed, just a voice from nowhere.

Pilgrim #1: dressed as pilgrim (optional)

Pilgrim #2: dressed as pilgrim (optional)

Pilgrim #3: dressed as pilgrim (optional)

Muscular Pilgrim: dressed in football gear, speaks with an Austrian accent.

Indian: has some stereotypical Native American stuff on like headdress, feathers etc.

Irishman: Look-alike of the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Always has some sort of alcoholic beverage in his hand.


Act 1 Scene 1

Narrator: What you are about to witness is the actual events, which took place on November 25, 1621, when the first pilgrims broke bread with the Native Americans.

Muscular Pilgrim: Yeah, well I say Lord Palmerston was the greatest English Prime Minister!

Pilgrim #1: Pitt the Elder.

Muscular Pilgrim: angrily gets up from his seat. LORD PALMERSTON!!!

Pilgrim #1: stands up and pokes Muscular Pilgrim in the chest. PITT THE ELDER!!!

Muscular Pilgrim: All right, that’s it! You’re asking for it! Throws a football at Pilgrim #1 which knocks him over

Pilgrim #2: You showed him. Ha, mocking Pilgrim #1 Pitt the elder.

Muscular Pilgrim: LORD PALMERSTON!!! Throws a football at Pilgrim #2 which knocks him down too.

Pilgrim #1 and #2 get up and regain their composure.

Pilgrim #1: Why don’t we go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?

Pilgrim #2: Thank goodness we made it to the new world in our pursuit for the freedom we’ve always wanted: Freedom from cyborgs.

Indian: Incoherent yelling.

Pilgrim #1: Where did all those cyborgs come from anyway?

Muscular Pilgrim: Da Future!

Indian: Incoherent yelling.

Pilgrim #1: I’m thankful for this beautiful country that will forever remain uncorrupted.

Muscular Pilgrim: in an Austrian accent I’m zankful fur mein holiday classic, Jingle All ze Vay, vhich ist available at best buy.

Pilgrim #3: How about you, Stereotypical Native American? What are you thankful for?

Indian: (raises up a bottle of whiskey) Incoherent yelling

Enter Irishman

Irishman: also holding whisky Amen to that, lad! Pauses for a few seconds. I’ll show meself out.

Exit Irishman

Pilgrim #3: I’m just thankful that we got away from those snobby Austrian kids. Some of them even had their own ponies.

Pilgrim #2: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone who ever had a pony.

Muscular Pilgrim: angrily jumps up I hat a pony!

Awkward silence for a few moments

Pilgrim #2: …well, I didn’t really mean a pony per se.

Muscular Pilgrim: Vhen I vas ein little boy in Austria, ve all hat ponies. Mein sister hat pony, mein cousin hat pony. ..So, vhat's wrong mit dat?

Pilgrim #2: Nothing, nothing at all. I was just merely expressing… interrupted by Muscular Pilgrim.

Muscular Pilgrim: half crying He vas a beautiful pony! Und I loved him! Zen vun day he got stuck in ze mud. So I hat zu put three bullets in him.

Pilgrim #2: No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at the time in Austria, they were very common. They were probably like compact cars.

Muscular Pilgrim: What’s that supposed to mean?

Pilgrim #2: Whatever you want it to mean.

Muscular Pilgrim: stands up You saying that you want a piece of me?

Pilgrim #2: stands up I could drop you like a bag of dirt.

Muscular Pilgrim: You want a piece of me? YOU GOT IT!!!

Muscular Pilgrim charges at Pilgrim #2 and carries him offstage.

Pilgrim #1: I’m thankful that we only do this once a year.

Indian: Incoherent yelling.

Narrator: And that is the story of the first sober Irishman…I mean, Thanksgiving. Soon this yearly custom became an annual tradition that is now celebrated by, well, just about every non-Native American out there.

Curtain falls

I don't understand it, but apparently several people were offended by this skit. Seriously. What's the deal with that? I guess they thought it was being racist against Native Americans, but the thing is that the actor portraying the Native American was, actually, a Native American himself. I mean, if an actual Native american is enthusiastic about it, what gives people who have no affiliation with Native Americans the right to get offended about it? I hate it when people get offended about stupid stuff. Just watch that one Seinfeld Episode where Jerry goes out with a Native American who gets offended really easily. It shows how ridiculous it is.




4 comments:

Jessica said...

hey. theys for the comment :-) haha. and lucky you, the season starts early up there. no fair i say. but i guess thats what i get for not hitch-hiking to colorado years ago. so how are you doin?

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Jessica, I think you meant to comment on my blog.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

'Cause mat6t's sucks. Hahah

Marlsven said...

I'll suck you! Wait, that didn't come out right. Say "Mat6t sucks" again.