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Saturday, November 27, 2004

The silent sechs

You know, ever since I started spelling my name with a six in it, I been getting a lot of guff from, well everybody. I don't see why it's such a big deal. I mean, I don't go around making fun of other people because they're different than myself. I never made fun of Danny for being so hairy, or Rob for smelling of feces, or Kamalei for his sweaty hands, or even ERP for being stupid, short, dumb, and extremely annoying. So where do people get the nerve to criticize me about my name?

I first started putting the six in my name in seventh grade. Those were rough times. The steps I took to choose the number six were as follows:

I was going to choose a rational one-digit number as to save time in writing it. Narrowing it down to 1-9
In my opinion, the numbers 5-9 are the superior numbers in the base ten configuration.
I couldn't do number 8 because nate already spelt his name n8.
I couldn't do 9 because that's as high as it goes and I didn't want to appear stuck up.
I wanted it to be only one syllable, so 7 was out.
So it came between 5 and 6. I don't really know why I chose 6 then. I think it may have been because 5 is the kind of number those jerks guess when they're guessing a number between one and ten. What, do they think that just because 5 is in the middle they'll automatically win? It's been proven time and time again that this is true.

I didn't really start getting hassled that much about the 6 until ninth grade in German class. I was already very small and weak in spirit, and in the upper body, so I was an easy target for Mr. Chambers. He would go on for several class periods at a time ranting about how I needed to run around in the shower to get wet, or how if I turned sideways I'd be invisible. Once he found out about the 6 in my name the amount of ridicule he could place on me seemed limitless. But let me tell ya, Mr. Chambers got pretty dang close to that limit. Riemann would be proud.

You see, in German, the number 6 is spelled "sechs" and pronounced "sex". All the students knew this after we played battleship in class. For some reason, the space G6 was very popular and when called out initiated much laughter that would not stop for several weeks. Anyway, I think Mr. Chambers was a little confused about the concept of a silent 6 because he then began to just refer to me as "sex". I tried explaining to him that it was the six in my name that was silent and not the rest of my name but he would just look back down and keep rearranging the assortment of coke cans and gummy bears that were resting on his stomach.

Luckily I wasn't the only one that was ridiculed in that class. Mr. Chambers did get entertainment from just about everyone else's differences. Just about every day Wells Magleby's head would be bleeding pretty badly from Mr. Chamber's smacking it every time Wells twirled his hair. Sometimes even, for some reason, Kylen would join in the smacking and hit Wells even harder than Chambers did. Of course at this time I was doubled over on the floor rolling around uncontrollably. But that might have just been because of the old sauerkraut Chambers had fed to us earlier.

So I guess I didn't have that bad of a time in Chambers' class after all. I mean, Wells got hit in the head a bunch and all Mr. Chambers did to me was sit on me. The doctors say the pancake-body reversal surgery is sure to be a success.


Alex Morrise said...

Mat6t, I know you steal most of what you write, but it's still funny. And that bothers me, for some reason.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Mat6t doesn't steal most of what he writes. I won't let you say that about him. You have to give credit where credit is due. He steal ALL of what he writes. What bothers me is that he didn't read Hiroshima and he got a 40/40 while I, who read it, got a 10/40. I don't think Snyder knows what a Haiku is. She probably knows what an Asatachi is though. From her very own personal experience. Wait, scratch that last part.

Marlsven said...

Geez, why did you jerks say that on this one. I mean, I admit I stole jokes for my other stuff I write, but this one is completely original. Seriously, look through it and you'll see that nothing is stolen. DO IT!!!

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

I'm gonna have to side with Mat6t on this one, while most of the blog is fictitious, it isn't from Seinfeld, The Simpsons, Billy Madison, Happy Gillmore, or John Cage.

Kudos to you Mat6t, kudos.

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Man! I can't even write a blog comment without quoting one of the afore mentioned sources.

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

A Spider-Man Pez dispenser to whoever can site the afore, afore mentioned quote.

Alex Morrise said...

What's an afore?

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Sound it out, Alex.

3mily said...

oh... so now i get it..