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Sunday, December 12, 2004

How could this have happened?

Pardon my French, but last night, I was not a happy camper. For some reason I found myself at the mall, and much worse, one of those clothing stores where they play accoustic versions of crap over the speakers and hire people to do nothing more than make snide remarks about the clothing you're wearing.

Me: So, do you find the barcode system....adequate?

Store Lady: Sir, would you please pull up your pants?


You see what I mean? Anyway, I guess we were having some kind of sick competition to see who could dress the other person, I believe the word was, "cutest". Ilse was getting clothes for me to try on while I was just making sure that no one from school would see me. Luckily, the lighting wasn't very good in the store except for on the gigantic pictures of guys with their shirts off. Seriously, it was disgusting. I mean, who really goes bobsledding without a shirt? And furthermore, who would look that great while bobsledding without a shirt? No one, that's who. Obviously the photo was staged and hardly worth anyone to stare at it for half an hour, let alone me.
Finally, Ilse got all the clothes I was to try on for no apparent reason. She showed me to the "dressing rooms". All I saw were two female employees standing in a doorway.

Me: Can I get a dressing room?

One of the girls: What's your number?

Me: Zero six! Zero six! Zero zero zero six!

Other girl: No, how many pieces of clothing do you have?

Me: Zero six! Zero six! Zero zero zero six!

We finally got it straightened out that they meant for me to take a number 3 for a shirt, a jacket, and a pair of jeans, but that wasn't before several more chants.
Sidenote: Have you ever seen the jeans they sell at those stores? They come premade with holes and pee stains on them. Seriously, that's what they look like. I started making fun of them and the whole store loudly in front of another shopper. However, she didn't find it amusing and just gave me a mean look and walked away. I didn't mind what she thought though. I mean, who cares about the opinion of a lady who wears a nametag with a brand-name of the store she's shopping at?

Anyway, back to the story. So I took a number three and walked by the two girls. They told me I could choose any room I wanted, but all I saw were a bunch of curtains. I stepped between two of the curtains and tried to pull them in vain to conceal my soon-to-be mostly naked body. I gave that up and began to change, leaving an open gap between the curtains that anybody the size of Mr. Chambers could have easily fit through. During the entire time I was changing, I could hear the two girls at the door talking. I couldn't change in that situation! I mean, it's's like...well, it's like something, anyway.

So I finally got changed and walked out of the dressing room. The two girls said I looked good even! I think that's the only reason they put girls there, to give insincere compliments to the insecure guys who try on clothes at those stores. I still haven't figured out why they put the pervert guys outside the girls' dressing room. I'm not even sure all those guys even worked there, but who am I to critisize volunteer work? You might even say they give new meaning to the term, "pro-boner". (I'm so sorry about that joke. It's crude and inappropriate, but it's just so clever I couldn't leave it out).

Well, I won the contest, but truely lost the war. I guess those stores aren't so bad. Besides, I think I'd really like bobsledding without a shirt and wearing nothing but a pair of tattered, pee-stained jeans. At least that's the feeling I got from the cashier lady as she handed me my change. I never realised how fast a checking account could empty. You learn something every day. My next method of income will surely replace all that I spent. But I'm a little worried about the stability of this job. I hear the authorities are cracking down on dressing room pervert's as it is.


The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Definitely your best post yet. What's the deal with those posters anyway? Sick.

Alex Morrise said...

Mat6t, this is the kind of thing you should've put in as your editorial--none of that blue pants trash you wrote in 15 minutes.

Alex Morrise said...

And none of that demon stuff, either. That stuff is fool's gold.

Blog ho said...

I saw no actual French.

Alex Morrise said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Alex Morrise said...

Really? It's all over in there! Let's see...coup d'etat, c'est la vie, and, uh...that's all I got.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Has any one been to Blog Ho's blog? Don't. I hesitate even posting this because now he will have access to mine.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Puke. Har, Har, just kidding.

Marlsven said...

Geez, I leave my blog unattended for one minute and you guys go and let some pervert comment on my site. What, does that "Blog Ho" just go around critisizing the web-logs of others while he has the nerve to entitle his blog "Love me or blow me, either way"? What happened to the once proud and tasteful blogging clan? For shame, Blog Ho, for shame.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

If I didn't know better I'd think that you had a thing for Ilse. Uh, wait, scratch that.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

Marlsven said...

Yes it's true. My dad runs an underground gambling/burlesque club in our basement. I'm just surprised everyone bought my story about having dozens of scantelously dressed, dancing sisters. This changes nothing, Rob. Unless you want to pay the cover charge, you'd better stay away from my sister.

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Was kostet sie?

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said... isn't working lately. Tell your dad to get to work, Matt.