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Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Wheat bread!? You're only adding to the ducks' strength!

It has recently come to my attention that several people are starting to read this blog without my knowledge. And when I say several, I mean those who don't have blogs of their own that I read, or that just read and don't comment in any way. To those who do this, you sicken me. Of course, not as much as those who DO blog, but still. I only say this because it was kinda weird the other day when my mom said she was tipped off about my blog by an anonymous source and that she wanted to start reading them. Of course I refused, and promptly stormed out of the room only after helping to complete the crossword puzzle we were working on. Yes, that's right, we do crossword puzzles together. Actually, what really goes on is that while she's not looking, I fill in the blanks with funny words like poop, etc. But scratch the et cetera.

But now that it is likely that "respectable" people are reading this, I'm commiting to only write what I feel is especially important and relevant for the bettering of mankind. (insert poop joke here)

Does anyone really know what smelling is? Really, I don't think anyone in the world really understands it. I mean, I think we've pretty much mastered the hearing and vision thing. And everyone touches stuff all the time, so we are pretty learned in that. And then there's taste. Who cares about taste anyway? But smell, it's totally ludicrous. You can't fathom it. You could be sitting in a car minding your own business, and then BAM! You're breathing air that has formerly been in Zoram's butt. And you're aware of it too. That's what's so perplexing. I mean, what's the point of a sense that can only alert you to stinks that don't really hurt you and you wouldn't even be aware of if it weren't for that sense?

Smells usually grow less pungent over time, but they never really leave completely. So really, with every breath you take in, their are millions of stinks that you could be sensing, but luckily our sense of smell isn't powerful enough to sense them all. It would be very confusing to us if it was. They say dogs have about a 1000 times more powerful sense of smell than humans. They have to deal with smelling all those stinks, which can be very overwhelming and distracting. People always wonder why they spend so much time smelling other dogs' butts. They're just trying to focus.

They say that the nose is the most imperative and noticeable part of the face. If you really look at it, the nose itself is very peculiar. It has two holes toward the bottom. No one knows where they go, and it is forbidden to venture in there to find out. Basically everything else on the face you can move around and show expression with naturally and with relative ease. All you can really do with the nose is flare your nostrils. I guess you can also stick your nose up at somebody. The reason this can be so offensive is that it takes a lot of effort to do. It's not just some subtle facial muscle movement. You gotta have your neck and back muscles prepped and commited to the movement. And don't get me started on how it affects your balance. If one tries sticking their nose up at someone without the proper preparation and training, permanent damage can be imminent. Isn't it easier to avoid all this trouble and be nice to people and make fun of them behind their back like regular people?

Smell. What a crappy sense. Why couldn't we have gotten a third ear or something instead?

25 comments:

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Dang you Mat6t! You stole my smell bit, I had half a blog already written about odors and what not, seriously half a blog. I even did some research on the subject. You used all the jokes I would have and now I wish there were some hole I could crawl into and die.
P.S.*
Please tell me where this title came from.

*Postitronic Scriptural

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

Uh, Mat6t, I was kind of in a bad mood, and found my way to ratemyteachers.com so needless to say, I submitted a comment about Snyder that, in hindsight might have been pushing it, so see what you can do Mr. Comment Screener. If nothing can be done then, oh well, it can’t be traced back to me right? I guess it can be traced back to you… so… good luck with that.

Alex Morrise said...

Mat6t! You're alive!

Kactiguy said...

Speaking on behalf of "respectable" people--not that I am respectable myself in any way, but I know people who are, and they are who I am speaking in behalf of--they find your blog entertaining and informative and they should be reading it because anyone respectable would if they had any sense...particularly smell.

If, by readers who don't comment but read you are implying me, I must speak in my defense. I did not want to tarnish the brilliance that is Mat6t by your knowledge of my respectable presence (not that I'm respectable) and that is why I remained anonymous. But I just couldn't keep it in.

I say, if you must speak about noses and poop, keep speaking about noses and poop!

Marlsven said...

rob: I think I got kicked out of the ratemyteachers moderator group. They're supposed to email me when new comments are put in, but they haven't in a long time. As to the title of this blog, it was just something I said the other day after I was told of people feeding the ducks in the park wheat bread. It's a bit unorthodox to our blogging community to do this, but, as you know, I'm a rebel.

alex: I'm alive! Are you?

guy: keep on truckin'!

Marcy Dibbleblotts said...

Another non-commenting reader here. You are just going to face your popularity, Mat6t, a clever blog like this is only going to get bigger...I won't let my mom read my blog either and have been shocked by an anonymous commenter from my ward who just stumbled onto my blog. But that's what you get when you put your life out there on the international internet.

b. robertson said...

Mat6t, I think your blog is full of creativity and intelligence mixed with a real humor that I find extremely entertaining.

"What can I say? You're a funny guy." -Oceans 12

Rivers is my hero said...

Mat6t, your blog is assertive without being agressive. I can offer no higher praise than that.

Yeah, apparently somebody's mom or something reads blogs, and knows all about us. uhhh!

Rivers Cuomo said...

Mat6t, when it comes to your blog, there is No Other One.

Alex Morrise said...

Rivers! You're my hero.

And Mat6t, I'm pretty sure I'm alive, but don't don't don't let's start on that one.

J Rock! said...

*raises hand* anonymous person from your ward who stumbled on your blog here. and by anonymous, i of course mean jenny rockwood. but in all fairness, i only found it a couple days ago, so it's not like i've been stalking you for months devising my diabolical plan to steal your socks.

b. robertson said...

Where would this third ear be located? the top of our heads? In place of our nose? Or would we have a 3rd ear and a nose?

Rivers is my hero said...

in a pig's eye!

Marlsven said...

I think their was a Wayside Story about a teacher who had a third ear on top of her head. I can't remember her name, but she was evil.

Alex Morrise said...

Mrs. Marlsven.

Marlsven said...

I looked it up. Her name was Mrs. Nogard and she used her third ear to read people's thoughts. Then she would only call on the kids who got the wrong answer and the class would look dumb and she would be justified in giving them more homework.

b. robertson said...

Man, she was evil!

b. robertson said...

I finally figured out how the heck to do HTML!

Rivers is my hero said...

I don't like HMLT.

Anonymous said...

but do you like MCBTH?

Alex Morrise said...

BLT?

b. robertson said...

BLC. I don't like tomatoes.

Christian F said...

Smell is stupid. Once I burned my finger and I heard it sizzle before I felt it. But I smelled it much later. Totally useless.

Alex Morrise said...

BLC? As in, Bacon, Lettuce, and Crispin Glover?

b. robertson said...

Cheese, Gromit!