Now Family-Friendly!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

I need to use the restroom. No you don't. Okay.

Well, if everyone must know, yes, last night I got hypnotized. And yes, I did several things of which I am not proud.

I had been invited to go to Johnny B's that night in hopes for being entertained but mostly just for something to pass the time. Then yadda yadda yadda I found myself in front of everyone, sticking my butt out and drumming enthusiastically to the beat of Wipeout.

When we first arrived, me, manders, boo, and phil were sitting on the back row. I had the courage to volunteer to be hypnotised, but this was only under the assumption that at least one of those three was going to join me. The time came for people to come down to be hypnotised and I walked/jogged down to take a seat with all the other enthused fools. of course, no one else from our party had followed me down. Those ten or so strangers and myself had just begun an experience we would not soon forget. Or would we?

The hynotist started out by having us close our eyes and hold our hands out and imagine that each hand was a magnet attracted to the other. Soon our fingers were interlocked quickly growing more and more stuck to eachother. Then, the guy said that very powerful glue was being poured over our hands. The more we pulled, the more stuck they got. As the glue dried, I tried to bite the glue off but to no avail. We were then told that our hands in fact were not stuck together. how stupid of me I thought as I easily pulled my hands apart.

We were then systematically put to sleep one by one. As I went to sleep, I fell over into the red-headed guy's lap who was sitting next to me. This relationship would not be short-lived. His nervous breathing was very soothing, and soon I found my face becoming more and more buried in this guys lap as instructions were given to us by the hypnotist. He woke us up. At this point, he told us that one of our index fingers would stick to any part of our body unless the other index finger is stuck to our body somewhere else. I found this mildly amusing. Kirtley Jackman (hypnotised person #8) had somehow stuck his two index fingers together. As this happened, a guy next to me leaned over to me and said completely seriously, "He's screwed." We were then told that our fingers would not stick to our bodies about the same time as we realised our fingers would not stick to our bodies.

At a later time, I was the only one put to sleep and I was given instructions that whenever the hypnotist said the word "shave" I was to ask him for a bandaid because I had just cut myself shaving. I woke up and saw that I was missing one of my sandals that I thought I had been wearing. The man went on talking and soon said the word. I got up and asked him for a bandaid. He gave me one and I put it on the right side of my face. He soon said the word again. This time when he gave me a bandaid, I thought I'd reveal the smooth unhairy skin of my chest. I lifted up my shirt and put the bandaid near my left nipple. Everyone laughed, but I didn't think it was that funny.

Later, we found ourselves hugging the audience after a rousing chorus of "I Love You" at the end of Barney's show. We then felt a powerful impulse to hug everyone in the audience. I quickly scanned for any good looking girls in the audience. I was only four years old at the time, but I matured quickly. I then found myself back to normal and for some reason I was hugging the same guy whose lap I had earlier used as a pillow. Very awkward. Of course, when we sat back down, he switched seats and I felt very alone and rejected. But this feeling did not last. For as another person was put to sleep, a girl came running across and took one of that person's shoes. This was the one who had taken my sandal! I ran to where she had just sat down and demanded it back. She denied everything. I kept demanding it back until finally the hypnotist asked if I actually saw her take it. I begrudgingly said no and sat back down. The hypnotist then asked the thief if she had taken my sandal. But this time, her chair was equipped with a lie detector that would shock her if she lied and increased in power by three times each time she lied. Ha ha, revenge at last! I snatched away my sandal from her hand as she looked at me with tear-filled eyes.

The last part I'll mention is the infamous bum drumming. Everyone was put to sleep and told that we were all in the world-famous bum drumming group and we were about to go on stage for a concert. We woke up and were presented to the crowd as the song Wipeout began to play. I jumped up, turned around, bent over, and began slapping my own drum with great vigor (we were told that it was forbidden to play anyone else's drum). I drummed double time with my left hand on my left cheek. With my right hand on my right cheek I hit right on the beat as hard as I could. As I was doing this, I was trying to swing my hips to the beat as well, just to spice things up a little. And spice things up it did. The crowd was going wild to our expert drumming and we couldn't have been more pleased. The music faded out and we returned to our seats. I gave a guy a high five before I sat back down. Probably the best and most serious high five I've ever given anyone.

"That was fun," said the girl next to me.

"It was a good show," I replied.

A good show, indeed.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Mainstream USA, that's all I want to say.

Right now, I can hear my mom and dad watching Gettysburg, and my dad is explaining the tactics of a battle in the movie. I know my mom is not interested at all. I can't see her facial expression or even hear what she's saying, but she's never been interested in war movies ever. I have no idea why she's watching it. But I guess I can't say anything because several times I've found myself watching a show and I keep think over and over to myself how infuriatingly stupid the show is, but I just keep watching. I once watched an hour of Teletubbies just to find out which one is which.

Tinky Winky=upside down triangle head.
Dipsy=straight line head.
Laa Laa=looped head.
Po=circle head.

It really took that long to figure it out. It's such a weird show. I didn't really know what was going on, but it seemed bad because they kept saying "uh oh" and then they'd go and worship some paper windmill idol.

I always find it awkward to watch t.v. with my parents, or anyone really, but mostly my parents. It's like they're judging you on the shows you watch. I hate that. It would be like I'm watching a perfectly fine, if somewhat mediocre, movie on t.v., and as soon as one of my parents walks in, there is a swear word or some kind of sexual innuendo. It's not like those things bother me to the point of changing the channel, but I don't know if it bothers my parents, or if it bothers them that it doesn't bother me. And that bothers me.

So, if given a choice, would anyone out there choose to watch a movie in standard rather than widescreen? Of course, no one would. I am a strong widescreen supporter myself, but I really don't think it's that much of a difference. On some dvd's where they give you an option, it shows what the picture would look like in standard compared to widescreen. Everyone at this point seems to get very irritated that standard is missing part of the shot on the left and right sides. Big deal. So you wouldn't be able to see some unimportant extra standing there looking out of place. Like you would be looking there anyway.

I admit that with the complicated plots and subplots going on in the movies of today, one might feel that they have to study the entire screen at all times in fear that they might miss something and be lost for the rest of the movie. I know, for this has happened to me on several occasions. The trick to overcoming this is to memorize one short segment of the movie. Then when you're talking about the movie later with someone and they mention some part you missed or didn't understand, you can just respond saying, "Yeah, but do you remember..." and then explain in terrific detail the aforementioned scene. They'll be very impressed of your knowledge of the film and/or feel inadequate and inferior in your presence. Either way, you're not fit to be discussing movies anyway if you can't even remember the plot of the dull glib drivel of today's movies.

In conclusion, I like Tinky Winky the best, with Po coming in a close second.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Finish your fish heads, then we'll talk.

How do mosquitos always sneak up on you? It doesn't make sense. What do they have that makes them so much more stealthy than other bugs? It's like they just hover around, land wherever they want, and then stab their needle into any part of the body they want. All of this is done undetected. In fact, most people don't know about it until they notice all the scratching. I guess mosquitos are a lot more like drug-addicts than any of us suspected.

I'm just really cheesed about this because somehow yesterday, a mosquito managed to bite me right between my eyes. How could that happen? The only way I could see that happening is if the mosquito somehow landed below my chin out of my sight, then proceeded to crawl up my chin the my mouth. Then it would have had to wait until I said a word with a "p" or "b" sound in it to jump over my mouth when the chasm is at its smallest. After having done this, it must've climbed up one of my nostrils while dodging the countless perilous nose hairs. Then, finally, it must've bitten right between my eyes from the inside of my face. Having accomplished its goal, it then found a nice soft place in my brain and died there.

The bite actually fits in pretty well with my progressively more omelet-like complexion. What a considerate mosquito to choose someone with already declining physical features instead of someone with moderate to fair complexion with an equally strong self-esteem. Actually my own self-esteem probably fits somewhere between moderate and fair. However, my mosquito-esteem is definitely somewhere around poor to needs improvement.

I wasn't always so hostile toward mosquitos and animal life in general. In fact, one of my favorite pastimes was to sit scratching for hours and eventually scratch myself to sleep. It was so simple then. But then I found out that scratching leads to bleeding, and scabs, and scars, and finally death. Well, probably not that last one, but society has been coming up with all sorts of crazy causes for death. What's another unresearched, unproven medical FACT?

I know it's kind of a round about way of saying it, but what I'm really trying to tell you is that I hate the letters "p" and "b." Oddly enough, I adore the letter "j" despite its common association with them.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Kon-Tiki likes to get freaky.

I think I need to mention the TMBG show a little. There, I did it.

It was a great show indeed. Undoubtedly one of the best shows I've ever been to. I enjoyed the very diverse fan-base that was there. I especially enjoyed seeing an extremely old-looking guy with no teeth on the front row who sang along to every song. Of course, every once in a while he would stop to suck his lips and replentish his saliva supply. Disgusting.
One thing I did notice about the Johns is how much older Linnell looks than Flansburgh. It was a big shock to me, but it didn't affect in any way my ongoing crush on him. I mean, his music.

Alright, that's all I'll mention about the show. Today was really boring. They say that in the arctic regions where it can go months without the sun visible, that people can get depressed during those times. I think I have the complete opposite problem. Today and most of this week has been super hot. I mostly stayed inside all day and watched t.v. or played hearts on the computer. I'm so disappointed in myself. And then tonight, my mom suddenly wants to watch Schindler's List. Very depressing. If only life could be more like Seinfeld...

Have you guys heard about Wasatch Junior High going up in flames? I saw the news reports tonight about it. They interviewed some adults about it and they seemed very sad about it, which is understandable. But then it showed some kid they interviewed, and he was in tears about it. Bawling his head off! I knew that kid was a phony right off. You could even see all the other kids holding hands around the burning, hazardous school singing what seemed to be Christmas songs, but I couldn't understand the lyrics so well. No one was hurt from the fire, so I feel no remorse in making fun of it. However, the whereabouts of the principal are not known, but I heard they've gotten several plumber-detectives on the case. There are no leads on who the kid who flushed him down was.

You guys asked for a post, and this is all I got. Thanks a lot.


Jerks.