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Sunday, August 21, 2005

Lousy [Lending] Literati

I feel like a person who just lost in monopoly...to the game. Like, instead of another player bankrupting them, they land on Luxury Tax they can't pay or get a card with a bill they can't afford and are bankrupted by it. Who'd they lose to? No one. No one had to do anything. The person just couldn't take care of themselves and became another victim to the Parker Brothers. I've never seen it happen myself, but I think that if this happens to someone, the game sucks them into itself and they are turned into a cute little metal hat, horseshoe, car, etc. It's the dumbest and most humiliating way to lose. Yeah, I feel like that.

A while ago I was raving to everyone about how great the library was. This was because I had discovered the cd and dvd sections in the library. There is actually some good stuff there, if you look for it. And for no cost, you can have them for two weeks. I thought that I had gotten the 5 books, 3 cds, and 2 dvds from the library with impunity and I was rubbing it in everyone's face. The world was my burrito.

But then this morning, I went on the internet to see how much time I had left to have all these items. Crap! They were all due yesterday! My mind raced as I thought of the enormous fines and bounty hunters that would undoubtedly enter my life. Wait, I can renew them. I thought and relaxed a bit. I tried to renew them on the Provo City Library website, but all I got were bright red letters by each title saying that I couldn't renew them because they were already overdue. Sure, kick a guy while he's down.

I looked down the list of items I had borrowed and saw something peculiar.

Twilight in the desert: the coming Saudi oil shock and the world economy

I had definitely not borrowed that book. The only explanation was that someone had stolen my library card and borrowed the book, then carefully placed it back in my wallet. But who could've done that? It had to be someone near me who was interested in world events, well-versed in financial matters, and probably rides a recumbent bicycle most-likely in questionable attire. This question plagued me all day and the more I thought about it, the more enraged I became. Why would someone do such a thing!? And more importantly, what kind of sick person would be interested in reading this book?

I was in the kitchen tonight, and I looked and saw one of my dad's boring books about blah blah blah or whatever on the table. I looked closer and saw the title.

Twilight in the desert: the coming Saudi oil shock and the world economy

"DAD!!!" I yelled as I quickly grabbed the book and ran downstairs where my dad was.

"Yes, Matthew?" he responded.

I seethed with anger. I could only make quick sharp grunts while I stood there with fists clenched and face reddened for several moments.

Finally I got the words out.

"This book is overdue a day. I thought I'd just tell you that"

"Okay."

I know I went a little overboard, but I didn't want him to go through the same thing I was. It can be very confusing, you know.

If anyone has any information about the person who borrowed a book with my library card, please contact me at once. Oh, and don't worry about my dad's overdue book. He says that it's not really his problem anyway so he's not going to worry about it. That's what I love about my dad. He never burdens me with his problems.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I've destroyed the bond of friendship and respect between the only people left who'd even look me in the eye.

Well, I've finally hit rock bottom...again. My cousin Lucy of 7 1/2 asked me if I had a job yet, and when I told her that I didn't, she told me that I was a slacker and hit me on the head several times with a popoid.

Now I am sitting at the computer in my room listening to the musical talents of my three small cousins playing an accoustic guitar, electric guitar, and the smallest one playing kamalei's uke. Their music is roughly contemporary with not much rhythm or melody, but it has style. And that's why I love it. There seems to be a little argument going on among themselves on who is the "leader" of the band. It would be a shame if they broke up at the climax of their fame, but I fear it is inevitable. Oh, there it goes. Nathan, the middle child, just quit the band because it makes him "tired and hot." Lucy, the oldest and self-appointed leader, then kicked nathan out. Milli, the youngest has also just quit. Lucy demanded that Milli hand over her pick, but Milli would not give in. Now Lucy is all alone. The leader of a broken up band. I am all alone too now, the owner of a few broken up instruments.

I think it's appropriate for me to post the lyrics to a great TMBG song entitled, I am a Human Head.

I'm a human head and my best friend is also a head.
I don't really need my best friend.

Now my friend is gone and I'm only a head by myself.
I find I don't need my whole head.

Now I'm just the top of a head. Just the scalp and the hair
I don't like the scalp, just the hair.

What do I really need? Best friend also a head.
Just the head, just the scalp, and hair.
Friend, no. Head, no. Scalp, no. Hair.

I am only one human hair, with no scalp for a home.
All I need's the top of a head.

Now all I am is just a scalp. I don't have any head.
I'd be glad if I had a head.

Now I have a head, look at me, I'm a fine floating head.
Where's my friend the other head?


Milli eventually came back to Lucy. Originally their band name was LMN signifying Lucy, Milli, and Nathan. This new Nathan-free spin-off band is called The Dumpster Mummies.

It's tragic, really.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Lousy literati.

Does anyone after having read a book, remember everything that happened in that book? Or even half of what happened? Or even any of the main characters? I've found that about a month after reading any book, it would be lucky if I remember any of the plot at all. Nobody remembers that stuff. So I ask you this: If you can't remember much more of a book besides what can be found in any internet summary, why read any more of it than that brief summary? There's no point in doing so.

And what makes books so great anyway? Are they really that much better than television or movies? To quote Matilda, one of the greatest movies of all time, "there's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from t.v. faster." I suppose the only reason people read nowadays at all is because the particular book they're reading hasn't been made into a full-length movie or a USA original series yet.

I hate people who read books more than once. Especially mystery novels. I think they do it just so they can feel smarter and superior to the unfortunate characters. Don't go in there, the murderer is waiting in there! BANG! I told you. Pathetic. Personally, I can't wait to get through a book just to be done with it. As I read, I check every few minutes to see how thick the pages I have yet to read are. Holy crap, I've already read like 1 and a half centimeters! If only I knew what this book is about. I then admire how much I had read for a while until I get bored. Then I put the book back on the shelf as I've been taught, and proudly ask my mom to get me an even harder book by this Seuss fellow.

But don't get the wrong idea. I thoroughly enjoy reading basically anything. No matter what crap you hand me, chances are that I will enjoy it. I also enjoy most any books suggested to me. I may not be a connoisseur of literature, but who wants to be a connoisseur anyway? I get enough excrement handed to me as it is, without having the word "sewer" in my title.

As useless and inefficient as books are, they are still a part of our society. And until we find some way to dispose of these books in a quick and efficient manner, we will have to continue to resort to mass book-burning parties the way our forefathers intended.

If anyone has any suggestions for books I should read, feel free to tell me and I promise that I might feign interest.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Calling all bloggers!

Over the summer I've been trying to find as many songs as I can about U.S. history or any history to create a c.d. for mr. smith (best history teacher at phs). However, I can't think of many songs and summer is almost up.

So far I have:

1. Indian Reservation by Paul Revere and the Raiders

2. James K. Polk by TMBG

3. Tippecanoe and Tyler Too by TMBG

4. The Battle of New Orleans

5. People of the Book by The Vistaunet Family Singers

And that's it. I'm afraid I'm going to have to write and record some songs to fill the c.d. up, but I'd like to avoid that as much as possible. I'm desperate for more songs. If anyone has any ideas, they would be greatly appreciated. If not for me, do it for Mr. Smith.

And don't worry, this blog isn't going to become a place for list posting. I like to keep it real.