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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Better than a slice of bread.

Sandwiches are probably the most stable food of today's society. Really, has anyone ever had a really bad sandwich? I've had some mediocre sandwiches in my lifetime, but never a really bad one. If there were stock in sandwiches, I'd be in on that in a second. There's just no risk. Sure, it may not be exceptionally delicious, but at worst you're just going to break even. Then you can just make another sandwich, and chances are it will be even better than the first.

I love the feeling I get when I make a sandwich for myself. I feel so capable. I don't do my own laundry, I have no real job, no woman, and my social skills are lacking at best. But whenever I finish making a ham sandwich, I can't help but think to myself, "I'm going to make it. I can take care of myself." Then, of course, I ask my mom to come cut the sandwich and to make it look like a butterfly the way I like it.

It has been said on the art of sandwich-making that "it takes a minute to learn, and a lifetime to master." The actual design of a standard sandwich is quite simple. Bread, condiments, meat, cheese, vegetables, more condiments, bread. But these elements of the sandwich have so many subcategories that the possibilities are endless. And then there are the new contemporary ideas beginning to sprout. Among these are the double and triple deckers. I haven't quite mastered these yet. I am always thwarted by the pieces of bread that fall in the middle of the sandwich. Next to impossible it is to spread mayonnaise on both sides of that piece. A zero-gravity environment would be ideal for this sort of project. I'm in correspondence with NASA at this time developing a plan to make this concept a reality.

I've often been accused when I order a sandwich at a restaurant that my choice in extras has been found wanting. I am usually open to change and the radical thinking of the "cultured" person. But, you know, sometimes you just need to relax and not get bogged down with the details. I am a simple man. And at times I enjoy a simple sandwich. C'mon, bread, meat, cheese, lettuce. How can you go wrong with that?

I hope we don't ruin the sandwich like we have so many things before my children can enjoy it. It's just such a great thing, but great things are very apt to being tainted and corrupted once released to the general population. I mean, look at popular music, t.v, and, ironically, the internet. It's a shame that this has happened. But we can prevent this from happening to the sandwich if we all do our part. If you come across a sandwich obviously sloppily stacked without care, walk away. If you see a sandwich with questionable ingredients, just say "no way" and walk away. Do not linger near an obviously mass-produced corporate sandwich. A sandwich with an expiration date sticker is no sandwich at all. Walk away. It's just not worth it.

It's our responsibility to maintain this world. Some may say that I'm overreacting, but I feel that the sandwich is in grave danger. I have written several letters to congress on the matter which have strongly stated that the sandwich should immediately be put on the Endangered Delectables List. Anyone willingly to be a cosignatory on a letter to the President of the United States addressing the sandwich problem would be greatly appreciated.

This is a serious problem, and serious problems require serious solutions.

10 comments:

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Marlsven said...

Psh, I bet that guy has never had a sandwich in his life.

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Kactiguy said...

Mat6t, you are a man who knows what is important in life, a man with priorities, a man who knows sandwiches. I couldn't agree more. I also enjoy a simple sandwich properly made. Peanut butter with homemade rasberry jam--heaven. You live next door, do you think your mom could cut mine into fancy delicious shapes?

b. robertson said...

I miss my mom's homemade Strawberry Jam. It is the best thing I have ever eaten and where is it? Provo. Where am I? Rexburg. Sad. Smuckers just does nothing for a PB&J sandwhich. Nothing.

Lorien said...

But I think Kramer got a really bad egg salad sandwich once.

compulsive writer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
compulsive writer said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
compulsive writer said...

dang typos...

Anyway, you know what I love about your blog? The way random events occur that totally coincide with the topics of your blog.

First the book lust ad pops up in Lousy Literati. Now you totally got "Spam"med in your sandwich blog. Is that for real?

Watcha gonna do next to top that?