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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Take this, Eric Schlosser.

I have a chicken mcnuggets poster on my wall. This poster means a lot to me, and as I'm looking at it, I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe because it's probably the biggest thing I've ever stolen, (the second biggest being a king size Twix from my mom's closet) but seeing as I took it from a Mcdonald's dumpster, I don't think that really counts. About fifty years from now, if they still exist and I'm not completely blind, I'll see my senior pictures and wonder why my personality picture features these cancer-causing turds. In any case, there will remain a warm, soft place in my weak heart for those tasty mcnuggets. Probably near the left ventricle.

Have you guys seen those pseudo-satirical commercials that are all like, "Where are the nuggets on a chicken?"? I know you have. I admit that I chuckled a bit when I first saw that commercial. Well, I don't really chuckle, but as my face remained in permagrimace, I thought to myself that this was a pretty original idea for a commercial. But now that I think about it, the commercial is just stupid and painfully un-thoughtout. I mean, what if competitors used that same strategy for other types of products. Like, "hmmmm, I can't seem to find where the quarter pounder is on this cow. It must be an overprocessed piece of filth." Of course, it probably is an overprocessed piece of filth, but that's beside the point. Under their logic, all food must be presented to the consumer as much in its original form as to allow an immediate recognition of the actual expression the meal had on its face when it died. I don't want to know anything about the pain the animal went through for me to eat, I just want to enjoy my meal. And I don't think I'm the only one.

I say that as long as a food has a recognizeable shape, then it is acceptable. And the chicken mcnugget is no exception. Generally, there are two types of chicken mcnugget. There's the lumpy oval, and of course the boot. The boot is advantageous in a few ways. One of which is that the toe of the boot allows for a minimum-sized handle as you dip the nugget into the river of sweet and sour. The heel of the nugget is also acceptable for this but there are some disadvantages. Another advantage of the boot shape is when there is only a tiny amount of sauce left in the corner of the package. You just stick the toe of the nugget in there and it can usually wipe it clean. Of course, both of these techniques cannot be employed at the same time. But that's the beauty of it all. A ten-nugget order allows for at least 1024 different combinations, and that's just boot-shapers. Don't get me started on the oval ones or the not uncommon "mutant nuggets."

The permutations are practically endless.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...
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becks said...

I love chicken nuggets! It's so true about the boot and all of the many possiblities it supplies.

The Stunningly Handsome Nate Perkins said...

What part of the crab is the rangoon? Also, don't forget about dino-nuggets. They're great. You should read Lullaby by Chuck P. and you'll never eat Chicken nuggets again. Do it. I'll lend you my copy.

Julie said...

Nice writing. I must admit to enjoying those McD's nuggets myself. But then, I enjoy pretty much anything that has been deep-fat fried.

Kactiguy said...

So what's the deal with Carl's Jr. They have star shapes nugget. That can't be right.

Alex Morrise said...

Mat6t, what is this hooey you've been writing? What ever happened to the days of Mat6t Palindrome Mat6t and Teriyaki Sux?

compulsive writer said...

Having in fact seen the actual expressions on a number of my meals before they died, I can say its probably possible to eat something while its still kicking (given an adept and nimble butcher, it may be possible with a good steak, but it would definitely be attainable with a turkey, although they don't so much kick as flop around).

I prefer my food as close to its origins as possible. Give me a dripping blood-red slab of rare prime rib over a greasy gristly grey nugget of ROUS anyday.

compulsive writer said...
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b. robertson said...

I have to say that the only chicken nuggest I have ever tasted in my life were from wendy's...and I didn't even have to purchase those. So basically---nuggest are dandy, but I'd rather get a Big Mac on Monday.

Trevor said...

These are the funniest blogs I've ever read.

I'll kill you.

b. robertson said...

Nuggets! I meant nuggets everytime. Not nuggest. Sheesh!