Why I Should Be Chosen as a Sterling Scholar

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*A Mathematical Approach*

By Matt Karlsven

Why should I be chosen as a sterling scholar? That is a very forthright question to ask, and I must admit that it did catch me a little off guard. However, candor is one quality that I admire, so I will try my best to answer this question in this very concise yet thorough essay.

Through a very meticulous process, I have obtained the actual formula used to select sterling scholars. We will use the symbol SS to represent this formula. Therefore, an equation to represent this on a regular Euclidian coordinate plane would be f(X)=SS. X being the particular sterling scholar candidate. Note that although X does not appear in the SS formula, the extended notation of SS includes X. In other words, the method used to select a sterling scholar is largely dependent on the candidates considered for the award (at least I hope that’s the way it works).

To determine where I myself would fall in this formula, I decided to insert myself

into the equation. I’ll represent myself with the symbol M. Calculating the actual value of

f(M) would serve little purpose, seeing as this would prove nothing as to why I would be a

better choice than my opposition, and furthermore, it would be, as we say in the math world,

“pushing the limits of the metaphor.” This is why I decided to find the derivative of the

equation at X=M. This derivative turned out to be zero, or f ’(M)=0. This proves that I am

of either maximum or a minimum value when it comes to sterling scholar aptitude.

I can assure you that I am not of minimum value, but since most people, when told of this fact, insist that I prove it to them, I feel I must prove it to you too. This is done by using the second derivative test. I then found f ”(M) to be of negative value. If that’s not proof enough of why I should be sterling scholar, I don’t know what is. But if I *had* to state another reason, I’d say it would be my extreme devotion to the study and activity of mathematics, as well as the gaining of knowledge altogether.

## 15 comments:

You had me at "Why..." I also found the "extreme devotion to the study and activity of mathematics" entirely convincing.

P.S. If they had been mixing metaphors with mathematics when I was in high school, maybe I'd have been a little less presidential and a little more sterling myself.

creative. intelligent. mathematical. excellent.

Congrats, Mr. Sterling scholar. you convinced a completely non math thinking college chic, at 2 in the morning that you should be the sterling scholar. if you got me, you've got the judges.

I have no idea what the heck you're talking about. Math escapes me. It looks impressive though. But, why focus on math? I say go with dance. You do have spandex in your genes. Ether way I think you've got it in the bag.

Nerd...who sits around and thinks up math all day? I sit around and think up computer code...oh wait, that's much worse...

Do you have any limits?

bud, it's very origional and the judges will definately remember you for it. Hope you get chosen. Make sure that if you get it you get good pictures of service. Remember how I got a picture with old sister ashby? I said that she was one of the old people i visited in the nursing home. Then i got pictures of you and I when i was helping you "study" in the "library." the judges never knew what hit them. i just love it when i can get away with deceiving people. good times.

Hey, I'd be willing to do an entire photo shoot of someone, anyone--say, perhaps even a potential sterling scholar who needs evidentiary support of his vast years of experience serving his friends and neighbors--committing acts of service around my home and yard.

I think the committee would be really impressed by some repressed absolutionism gracing the face of one of its future recipients while he rakes leaves, winterizes a garden, takes out the recycling...

granted, i failed calculus, but how is the derivitive of F'(M)=0 negative? no variable, no constant...

if i were you, i'd take out the contractions. besides that, i thoroughly approve.

You need not mention that you failed calculus, j rock. Your lack of understanding shines through in the rest of your comment.

The actual double derivative I was finding was f"(x). Remember, M is my value, and is not a variable in this case. It's like if f'(3)=0, then f"(3) could be something else.

I can see how it can be confusing though. It had to be only a page long so I couldn't explain which symbols were constants and which were variables.

Thanks for the approval though. I hope this took away the confusion. Yeah, and sorry about degrading your math skills. I'm just really sensitive when it comes to double derivatives.

I like it. But you should have applied for business sterling scholar. Come on Mat6t, you know you're going to be an accountant some day, get used to it.

You have spandex in your genes? Cool. That means your like Mr. Fantastic, who won his school’s math sterling scholar award. You’re a sell out man! Oh, wait, I mean shoe-in. You’re a shoe-in, a

shoe-in!What happens to the value of Matt as Matt approaches infinity?

What's f'''(x)? Taylor Killian?

i had no idea double derivitives were so important to you. i'll be more sensitive next time.

Matt! Where's my microphone?

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