Why I Should Be Chosen as a Sterling Scholar
A Mathematical Approach
By Matt Karlsven
Why should I be chosen as a sterling scholar? That is a very forthright question to ask, and I must admit that it did catch me a little off guard. However, candor is one quality that I admire, so I will try my best to answer this question in this very concise yet thorough essay.
Through a very meticulous process, I have obtained the actual formula used to select sterling scholars. We will use the symbol SS to represent this formula. Therefore, an equation to represent this on a regular Euclidian coordinate plane would be f(X)=SS. X being the particular sterling scholar candidate. Note that although X does not appear in the SS formula, the extended notation of SS includes X. In other words, the method used to select a sterling scholar is largely dependent on the candidates considered for the award (at least I hope that’s the way it works).
To determine where I myself would fall in this formula, I decided to insert myself
into the equation. I’ll represent myself with the symbol M. Calculating the actual value of
f(M) would serve little purpose, seeing as this would prove nothing as to why I would be a
better choice than my opposition, and furthermore, it would be, as we say in the math world,
“pushing the limits of the metaphor.” This is why I decided to find the derivative of the
equation at X=M. This derivative turned out to be zero, or f ’(M)=0. This proves that I am
of either maximum or a minimum value when it comes to sterling scholar aptitude.
I can assure you that I am not of minimum value, but since most people, when told of this fact, insist that I prove it to them, I feel I must prove it to you too. This is done by using the second derivative test. I then found f ”(M) to be of negative value. If that’s not proof enough of why I should be sterling scholar, I don’t know what is. But if I had to state another reason, I’d say it would be my extreme devotion to the study and activity of mathematics, as well as the gaining of knowledge altogether.