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Sunday, January 08, 2006

I should be allowed to stink.

So, how often should one do laundry? I used to think that something should be washed after every time you wear it. Of course, I never followed this rule, but lately my mom has been getting mad at me for having my clothes washed too often.

"I saw this jacket in the laundry room last week. It probably just got washed," my mom says as she pulls my green Little Caesar's jacket from the bottom of my hamper and throws it at me.

I quickly move out of the way of the incoming jacket. "That's disgusting." I say, "I wore that."

"Oh yeah," she says, and slowly picks up the discarded jacket with a pair of tongs and carefully eases toward the washing machine to drop it in.

"No, wait," I say and grab the jacket from her. I press it firmly into my face and take a big whiff. "It's still good," I say as I put the jacket on.

"It does seem a little damp for my taste though," I say.

"You're dripping," she says, pointing out the stream of liquid coming out of the back of the jacket.

We both looked in the hamper the jacket had come from and found a 3 to 5 inch puddle of a lemonade-esque liquid at the bottom. My mom was the first to venture a guess as to what it was.

"Oh, I think the cat went in the hamper," she says.

"You mean the cat that everyone loved, that you killed because she tore up the curtains?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

The vivid memory of my mom carefully picking up my limp and probably drugged cat with a pair of tongs and moving toward the washing machine flashes through my mind.

"You know, you didn't need to wash the cat before taking her to the pound," I say.

"I just thought it was the right thing to do.” she says, “Those pet-killers have such a terrible job as it is."

"Mom, being a school teacher isn't that bad, is it?" Zing!

She just looks at me with two contemptuous eyes. We're both silent for a few moments.

I abruptly begin, "Well, that was 3 years ago. It couldn't possibly be..."

"When's the last time you did your laundry?" she asks.

"I thought you were doing it every week."

"I haven't gone near it since I asked you to start doing your own laundry so you'll know how to do it on your mission." she says.

"Mom, that was a deacons Duty to God requirement."


"Mom, I'm a priest."

"Oh. Then I guess that explains all this," she gestures toward 5 hampers overflowing with my dirty, smelly, rotting laundry.

"I thought you were just trying to conserve water," I say.

"I thought you were just a big slob," she responds. Good point.

"What!?" I exclaim in an offended tone, "What could've given you that idea?"

She just started snorting and rolling around in that way that always gets on my nerves. "Oh, Matthew, you can be so funny sometimes." Yeah, she's weird.

She continued to act in this childish manner, and I probably would've lost my temper if a piece of fabric protruding from one of the buckling hampers hadn't caught my attention.

"Whoa, are these my old Osh Kosh Bigosh overalls!?" I shout as I pull on the pant leg of the vintage piece of clothing.

With some difficulty, I manage to pull the overalls out from the mass and began to try them on.

"I haven't seen these since the 3rd grade!"

I put both my legs into the leg holes and pull up as high as I can, but the straps still won't reach over my shoulders. However, this is not a problem because my legs are so squeezed in, there is no chance of the overalls falling down. I let the straps hang down, and as any man in my situation would, I begin to strut around the room.

The doorbell rang.

"There's my date!" I begin running to the door.

My dear old mom, in her loving and overly-protective way, tries to stop me.

"Mom, would you please stop rolling around, you're going to trip me!"

She struggles to make any intelligible sound, and continues to roll around in protest.

"Look mom, I'm a man now. Men have needs. I'm going to keep going on dates, and eventually move out and get married someday whether you like it or not."

This only makes her more flustered and her face even begins to turn a shade of violet as a result. Finally she gets some words out.

"Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that," she quickly says before collapsing on the floor.

"Whatever." Sometimes my mom just can’t accept that I’m growing up.

As I head towards the door, I feel something in the big center overalls pocket. I reach in and pull out a sealed up Ziploc bag containing what looked like the remains of a tuna sandwich. Well, it was either that or some of my mom's famous clam chowder (which she hasn’t made in 6 years).

"Sweet, looks like I'm not going to have to pay for dinner after all!" I rejoice.

I can already tell that this is going to be the best El Cheapo ever.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Myspace is the gateway drug to being an idiot.

Let me just start out by saying that I HATE MYSPACE. Not my particular space, but just the whole myspace idea. Where did it come from? Really, one day it wasn't there, and then everyone, EVERYONE had it. Hmmm, I just realized that I also hate having to write things in all caps because I can't portray the right tone, but I digress.

About myspace: It's a two-bit (figuratively AND literally. Well, figuratively at least) blog/friend-making system. It was recently established by a guy named Tom, a male, 29 years old, who lives in Santa Monica, California, United States. See, don't you want to be his friend already? That's how they suck you in. With these curiousity-inducing profiles.

That's how I got sucked in, at least. Or just partly sucked in. That's what I tell everyone. That I'm not really part of it, I just have one. But really, there is no middle ground. If you're in, your trapped for life. And if you're out, you miss everyone's thoughtful comments and bulletins. And when I say "thoughtful," I mean "deplorable." Well, not really. I just mean "stupid."

And that's another thing. Bulletins. That's how everyone communicates now. What happened to the classic telephone call, or the old reliable fax? No, now everyone does it all with bulletins on myspace. Heaven forbid that you don't check your myspace every ten minutes. Because if you don't, you might end up half way to a party with a white elephant gift, but then you just found out from your myspace friend on the phone that it's not a white elephant party, but that you're supposed to bring a gift anyway and they won't tell you why except that it was all clearly explained in the myspace bulletin they had posted an hour ago. Then you get to the party and everyone knows exactly whats going on except you and you're standing next to someone who apparently brought an expensive sort of wine for a gift and you find it very difficult to hide your crappy, chewed up, ages 3 to 5, Ants in the Pants game under your sweater. And your whole night is ruined, not to mention your new sweater being all stretched out.

Another thing about myspace is how you can make "friends." When you find someone's myspace, you can ask to be their friend and then you can view all the nooks and crannies of eachother's myspaces. First of all, I would never suggest anyone exploring the crannies, or even thinking about the nooks of anything belonging to someone you've met, especially on myspace. It's sick. And now it seems that the exchanging of viruses has increased dramatically since the foundation of myspace.

Through several scientific studies, I've concluded that for every myspace friend you gain, you lose 5 real friends. Perpendicularly, for every myspace friend you delete, you lose 5 more real friends. This is because in order to do this, you must've signed into myspace therefore lowering your non-virtual social status that much more. Plus, you probably made several more myspace friends during that time.

Another thing that I dislike about myspace is how poorly most of them are laid out. Especially in writing. As if their terrible spelling isn't enough (knock on wood), myspacers feel that they must challenge the reader's sanity further by writing with a text color that's practically impossible to discern from the background color. People, for the last time, a pale purple text does not stand out from a lavender background. I suppose their choice of colors is not all bad. At least it prevents you from actually reading the mindless drivel they feel they must publish for the world. By the way, did you know that it's more likely to be abducted by aliens than to be abducted by those same aliens and that they enjoy looking at your myspace. It's true. I found out about it here.

Told ya.

I'm not trying to degrade current myspacers, but just warn those who have not yet discovered it. It has ruined my life, and millions of others'. There isn't hope for us, but there is for you, the technologically-impaired class. Whatever you do, just say no to myspace.