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Monday, January 02, 2006

Myspace is the gateway drug to being an idiot.

Let me just start out by saying that I HATE MYSPACE. Not my particular space, but just the whole myspace idea. Where did it come from? Really, one day it wasn't there, and then everyone, EVERYONE had it. Hmmm, I just realized that I also hate having to write things in all caps because I can't portray the right tone, but I digress.

About myspace: It's a two-bit (figuratively AND literally. Well, figuratively at least) blog/friend-making system. It was recently established by a guy named Tom, a male, 29 years old, who lives in Santa Monica, California, United States. See, don't you want to be his friend already? That's how they suck you in. With these curiousity-inducing profiles.

That's how I got sucked in, at least. Or just partly sucked in. That's what I tell everyone. That I'm not really part of it, I just have one. But really, there is no middle ground. If you're in, your trapped for life. And if you're out, you miss everyone's thoughtful comments and bulletins. And when I say "thoughtful," I mean "deplorable." Well, not really. I just mean "stupid."

And that's another thing. Bulletins. That's how everyone communicates now. What happened to the classic telephone call, or the old reliable fax? No, now everyone does it all with bulletins on myspace. Heaven forbid that you don't check your myspace every ten minutes. Because if you don't, you might end up half way to a party with a white elephant gift, but then you just found out from your myspace friend on the phone that it's not a white elephant party, but that you're supposed to bring a gift anyway and they won't tell you why except that it was all clearly explained in the myspace bulletin they had posted an hour ago. Then you get to the party and everyone knows exactly whats going on except you and you're standing next to someone who apparently brought an expensive sort of wine for a gift and you find it very difficult to hide your crappy, chewed up, ages 3 to 5, Ants in the Pants game under your sweater. And your whole night is ruined, not to mention your new sweater being all stretched out.

Another thing about myspace is how you can make "friends." When you find someone's myspace, you can ask to be their friend and then you can view all the nooks and crannies of eachother's myspaces. First of all, I would never suggest anyone exploring the crannies, or even thinking about the nooks of anything belonging to someone you've met, especially on myspace. It's sick. And now it seems that the exchanging of viruses has increased dramatically since the foundation of myspace.

Through several scientific studies, I've concluded that for every myspace friend you gain, you lose 5 real friends. Perpendicularly, for every myspace friend you delete, you lose 5 more real friends. This is because in order to do this, you must've signed into myspace therefore lowering your non-virtual social status that much more. Plus, you probably made several more myspace friends during that time.

Another thing that I dislike about myspace is how poorly most of them are laid out. Especially in writing. As if their terrible spelling isn't enough (knock on wood), myspacers feel that they must challenge the reader's sanity further by writing with a text color that's practically impossible to discern from the background color. People, for the last time, a pale purple text does not stand out from a lavender background. I suppose their choice of colors is not all bad. At least it prevents you from actually reading the mindless drivel they feel they must publish for the world. By the way, did you know that it's more likely to be abducted by aliens than to be abducted by those same aliens and that they enjoy looking at your myspace. It's true. I found out about it here.

Told ya.

I'm not trying to degrade current myspacers, but just warn those who have not yet discovered it. It has ruined my life, and millions of others'. There isn't hope for us, but there is for you, the technologically-impaired class. Whatever you do, just say no to myspace.


becks said...

myspace is so dum! hahaha! i meen peeple that uze blogger can speel.

Eric Petersen said...

I say we rise up against the new empire that is Myspace and destroy it with a photon torpedo that we'll launch into its exhaust pipe. They'll never see it coming!

Kacy said...

You have ants in your pants in your sweater? May I see your nook and/or cranny--because I feel curious now.

Brittany said...

Sucked in is right. Unbelievable. Even you who hates myspace has 22 friends. Speaking of which...

The Amazing Spider-Fan said...

I read an article about Myspace. The guys who invented it said this is just the beginning. They’re gonna make movies and have a Television channel.
They also said they hate you.

Manders said...

matt.. i didn't think i would have to tell you it's not white elepant because on the flyer it didn't say white elephant. i don't know why you had so much trouble figuring out it wasn't white elephant.. i mean.. everyone else was fine.

you make me so angry sometimes

oh man

p.s. maybe you should delete your myspace.

p.s.s. since when am i your myspace friend?

becks said...

rob, I don't think you should make any more comments until you post something new. I mean, it's just blogging etiquette.

compulsive writer said...

Thanks for posting again--I was starting to miss those occasional insights into the Mind of Mat6t.

I read an article about myspace that said it's really a bunch of 12-year-old boys pretending to be someone they aren't even old enough to want to be (hence the poor spelling).

Come back to your true friends in the land of blog. At least you know we are who we say we are...

b. robertson said...

The way that I got sucked in (and I would have to say not really, because I don't even remember I have one unless someone else asks me about it) but anyway, check out how tricky this is: I just wanted to look at some of my friends pictures he took that he had on his Myspace dealio. DING! Can't view if you're not a member. DING! Just got a new member. DING! Can tom be you friend? DING! no choice, he's your friend.

I hate myspace. and dings.

Talisa said...

Myspace is a space for all. Just cause you don't ever talk to anyone doesn't mean that it is bad. Gesh. Myspace Myspace Myspace! Hahahaha. It is starting to buy me though I understand. But Matt can't you read!?!? The flyer did say Bring a white elephant. Gosh.

Catnapping said...

MySpace is owned by MSN, and they've been systematically censoring and/or shutting down Chinese sites that criticize the doings in China (like slavery, torture, etc...)

I think it's cool that you dumped them.

The Great One said...

Myspace could soon become a money-making item for MSN, which is their proud owner.

Now they are selling music in stores, through Myspace, which is supposed to provide purchasers with additional pictures for their page.

I have a feeling MySpace is definitely an upward trend. People are addicted to it and the addiction is GROWING.