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Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Chemistry in Biology

Well, I'm finally done with my first semester at BYU. And what a semester it was! Full of love, lust, deception, and unbridled enthusiasm to name a few of its characteristics. Speaking of love, now that the semester is over, I think it'll be alright if I shared the story of my first college-romance escapade. I must warn you that it ends with my heart being broken. But don't worry, I bounce back every time, usually right after lunch.

You'll get the gist of it from these emails that were exchanged between my Biology Lab teacher and myself. The characters are Wate Nhight (a member of my lab group), Hollie Munt (my lab teacher), and me (me). I've changed all the names for security purposes.

Here's the first email from my lab teacher to the group I'm in. Note that this means she made the first contact with me.


I need to ask you guys about Wate Nhite. On your peer evaluations you all gave him very high scores. Can you give me an honest idea of the amount of work he actually did, specifically for the paper (rough and final drafts) and the poster?

Thanks so much, we are trying to resolve some issues here. Email me back as soon as you can.

Good luck on finals!

Obviously she was totally into me. I was a little shocked that she would use the class as a pretense for emailing me though. "Email me back as soon as you can" she says. Whatever happened to foreplay and being coy? I guess she just couldn't contain herself around me. This deduction was confirmed to me when I saw that she started and ended her email with exclamation points. One date with me and she'd probably go blind with ecstacy. Poor creature. I decided to let her off easy.

Here's my response:


About Wate... I think he did his share of the work on the poster. Plus he supported my idea of putting a picture of the Loch Ness Monster on it (which we later had to take out to make room for real pictures). I think he may have hurt more than helped on the paper, though. Like when he very adamently told us how to do the bibliography, and then it turned out he was completely wrong. Also, whenever we'd work on it he'd just sit in a chair, making obscure references to Simpsons episodes that no one but me recognized, but he kept saying the lines wrong so it wasn't funny. I gave him courtesy laughs though, but that gets old, and just wasted time. I guess his heart was in the right place by trying (unsuccessfully) to increase group morale though. However, this probably wasn't the case when he got in an argument with Clint in one of our overview sessions and found that the best solution would be to flip Clint off and then refuse to participate for the rest of the lab. But maybe I'm seeing the whole thing all wrong. Maybe he was just teaching us patience. Then again, teaching patience hardly gets any work done. Plus, it can get pretty annoying sometimes.

I hate to make it so someone else's grade goes down (especially when the class isn't curved) but since you asked, I told you. Now about my pay. I will require 30 pieces of silver...

Remember to keep the law of justice and mercy in mind when you give him his grade. Also, it would be nice if you didn't tell him that I sold him out. That guy could snap me like a toothpick.


-Matt Karlsven

P.S. Now that class is over, I think it's safe to talk about this. Is it just me, or was there some chemistry between us in those labs? I mean, I understand it would be inappropriate because of the whole student-teacher privilege thing, but you could practically cut the sexual tension in there with a knife! I've spoken with Clint about the matter, and he agrees. However, don't bother asking him because I've instructed him to deny everything. I just wanted you to know that nothing can come from this. I mean, you're much too old for me, and you're married. It just wouldn't work. As a side-note, please feel free to favor my grade as much as you'd like because of our, let's say, "special" relationship.

I thought nothing more of this until a few days later when she emailed me back.


You're a funny one

She didn't even bother ending it with her name or any punctuation at all. Obviously she doesn't take rejection very well. I'm just glad that at the end of our last class she didn't grap onto my leg and start crying. That would have been awkward. Especially since her husband was there.

I decided not to email her back. Some things are better left as they are, I think.
If you're curious as to what happened to all the characters, this is what I know:

I ended up getting a B in the class and decided only after two more affairs with certain teachers that the student-teacher relationship should stay nothing more than a platonic one.

Clint got a job working for a local book-binding company. He's looking forward to a 25 cent raise in 6 months.

I'm not sure if Wate passed Biology or not. I've been trying to avoid him the past few weeks.

Hollie has found happiness with her husband and they are planning on having their first child. They're going to name it "Matt-is-a-jerk Munt." I think it's catchy.

Hollie's husband still enjoys sitting in on her labs and is considering getting a day job soon.


Anonymous said...

I love you Mat6t. I am glad that that relationship didn't work out. :)

~Ga Tze

Squinty & Myopic Breen said...

You really need to use a larger font. Your aunt and uncle aren't getting any younger, you know.

Anonymous said...

Learn how to spell GRAB you Bow-zoe