So the other day I was talking with my lifelong friend Gretchen Belnap and the subject of penguin-welfare came up. Apparently in the previous 24 hours she had seen both Happy Feet and March of the Penguins (now scientifically proven to be a toxic dose of penguin) and was on a penguin kick that seemed to be developing into a fetish (and this is not the reason I recently invested in 3 tuxes, so don't even bother asking). She tends to ramble on about things, especially fetishes:
"...and then they walk dozens of miles in subzero temperatures just to lay eggs!" she informed me.
I responded, "Mr. Chambers (my old high school German teacher) showed me a video on the internet once of a penguin tripping another penguin. It might have been doctored, but it was still hilarious."
A 2 second pause, and then she was off again.
10 minutes later: "...and then one of the penguin parents has to balance the egg on their toes while the other goes for food. Isn't that awesome? They're like my favorite animal now. Don't you thing they're so cool?"
After a brief moment of pondering and reflection I remarked, "I think one of the funniest things to see would be a penguin dying." She remained silent, a signal for me to elaborate.
"I mean, they would just be waddling along back and forth," indicating with my hands, "and then they would just lean one way too far and fall over. And that would be it."
Appropriately, I began laughing until I realized that Gretchen must've not heard what I had said, for she seemed a little confused and a lot angry. It's pretty frustrating to miss something that funny. I repeated myself this time louder and more gesturing with my arms.
"...and then they would lean too far one way, fall over, and be dead!" I began laughing even harder while reenacting the penguin's death, this time with sound effects.
You know, you just have to be patient with girls sometimes, because often they lose their temper without warning or provocation. Plus some of them have a pretty mean left hook.
On my way home that night I did gain some respect for those determined penguins. We're not so much different than them, you know. Their instinct drives them to walk many miles in the cold, while my instinct that led me to the conclusion that I should get home as soon as possible whether my ride had arrived or not. Did I mention it was snowing that night? Well, the cold was probably good to slow down the swelling at least.
Psh, penguins. What a stupid animal. Why don't they just live somewhere that can support life and not just a giant piece of ice!? This is why I am launching a campaign to increase the amount of greenhouse gases. They're not gonna have that slab of ice to live on for long if I have anything to say about it!
You hear that, penguins? You knew this was coming, and it's gonna take a lot more than some warm toes and mad-awesome tap-dancing skills to save you this time. You have been warned. Your days are numbered.
Aw, who am I kidding? I love penguins.